This is not your typical Fox News, the world is ending, so get ready headline. I went to Chipotle for lunch last Monday (Valentines Day) and had Cupid been there he would've been making it rain fiery arrows tipped with poisonous hell fire. Not because Cupid has turned his back on his only holiday, but because every moron in that place was either lovestruck or just a moron.
Can anyone explain to me why people are still making decisions at the counter when they have been waiting in line for 20 mins? I swear! The line is rolling 65 deep in a 15X15 restaurant. All you want to do is get the F out of there and the clown at the counter is still deciding if he wants mild or medium.
CHIPTOLE RULE #1: ORDER PROMPTLY (ESPECIALLY IF YOU HAVE WAITED IN A LINE)
(or cupid will shoot a fiery arrow up your @$$... yes, I know asperand, dollar sign, dollar sign is pretty middle school, but I have some young, impressionable followers)
Or how about the fine gentleman on his phone for the entire ordering process costing everyone behind him in line valuable milli-seconds:
CHIPOTLE RULE #2: STAY THE "F" OFF OF YOUR PHONE DURING YOUR ORDER CLOWN
(or cupid will throw heart shaped ninja stars in your eyes)
My favorite, the double (or even triple order). You're the second to last person in line and the person in front of you orders a burrito bowl. You begin to step forward thinking it is your turn, when WHAMMY "I'd like a steak burrito as well please." I have even seen a third order from one customer (but not on this day).
CHIPTOLE RULE #3: Unless you are a mother buying a burrito for her son (you're welcome ma) NEVER, EVER ORDER MORE THAN ONE DISH.
(or cupid will take the extra dishes you have ordered and shove them up your @$$)
Chiptole makes tacos? Unless you are getting a hard shell taco, ordering tacos at Chiptole is like ordering three mini burritos. And nobody eats hard shell tacos (because they're terrible). No, it is not chic to order three mini burritos. It just takes three times longer to prepare. So unless your name is Cupid, do everyone in line a favor and order a normal size burrito (since Cupid is a man-baby, a mini burrito would actually be perfect size for him).
CHIPOTLE RULE #4: IF THERE IS A LONG LINE DO NOT ORDER TACOS
(or cupid will steal them from you to feed his family...it seems the down economy has affected us all).
It was unbelievable how this perfect storm of inconsideration could occur on such a day.
Thinking of other peevious scenarios you have encountered at Chiptole? Add more rules to the Chipotle Commandments. You could win MVP (most viciously peeved).
On to more important business. Jabronie of the week last week was Hosni Mubarak. The former [rat bastard] President of one of my Nationalities, Egypt.
A Quick refresher for the folks reading this that don't know Egypt:
The oldest civilization in the Middle East and currently one of the most populated in the world (ranks 16th). Also one of the youngest nations (median age of 24) and most educated (70% literacy rate). Yet with all their wisdom, education and sheer populous their GDP per-capita is 136th in the world. Hmmm. There seems to be a disconnect here.
Oh yea! I got it. That [rat bastard] was raping his own country of its wealth for the past 30 years. You are probably thinking, "but Kariem, Mubarak is never on Forbes' list of richest men" or "he is a military man first, what business does he have with the economy".
Well kiddies, after the Egyptians overthrew the [rat bastard] it was similar to when you turn over a large rock in your backyard: you uncover a disgusting underworld of insects, thieves, liars and cheats; and they scatter in every direction.
The Egyptians uncovered that through monopolies, bribery, red-tape and nepotism Mubarak was able to amass a fortune of between $40 and $70 billion (yahoo finance). He is not on the Forbes list because Forbes doesn't account for [rat bastards] that gain their money illegally. Speaking of which, the Swiss froze Mubarak's bank accounts when they found he had gained the money illegally (or should I say when it was publicized that he gained the money illegally).
Hosni, if you are reading this, how do you like them apples? You, your bastard children and your C U Next Tuesday wife deserve to rot in the same dumps that have amassed in parts of your country in the time of your rule. The streets of Egypt need cleaning, so I think a diet of trash and animal excrements are in order after your 30 years of negligence. If it was up to me we would torture you (Braveheart style), chop your body into pieces and send them all over the Middle East as a warning to [rat bastard] dictators.
But it wasn't up to me and instead of torture, the Egyptian people staged the most peaceful revolution in the history of the world (and won.)
A couple of must-see Egypt videos:
From Egypt with Love:
Jabronie of the week honorable mention: The Egyptian that punched Anderson Cooper in the face. WTF man?
The moment you have all been waiting for:
This weeks MVP is "Andrew" who was coughed on for his entire cardio workout on the treadmill. I spoke to Andrew later on that week and instead of letting the experience get to him he persevered and went back to the gym the next day. Only to find the same gentleman with the uncontrollable cough had followed him to the stairmaster.
MVP honorable mentioned goes to Michael who was nearly killed for driving a 95 Geo Metro. "Said-cousin kisser" was a nice touch as well.
Thanks to everyone who shared last week.
Check out next week when we talk about know-it-alls and dummies with long, complicated e-mail addresses (e.g. jjcvtdrklluve@IobviouslyhategettingemailssoIhavearidiculouslycomplicatedaddress.com ).
Uhhh... I agree with not being on the phone and knowing what you want but if it is on the menu, I say order away. Oh and sometimes people work in an office or have a group they are ordering for which makes multiple orders acceptable.
ReplyDeleteMy honorable mention would have gone to whoever raped Lara Logan in Egypt. That was messed up. But this week it would have to be Quadaffi in Libya, he should have taken the hint.
Don't you hate when some poor intern was sent to Chipotle to be the jackass ordering MORE than 3 things while in line and it just causes severe Chipotle traffic? I've worked at corporate offices before. It's called an order-sheet...you can go online and print out menu requests and have everyone in your office just fill out one sheet and fax it to Chipotle. TECHNOLOGY PEOPLE...it's working FOR us. Sending interns out for bitch runs works AGAINST us.
ReplyDeleteIf you want to keep the line moving get a redneck from Geno's.
ReplyDeleteA quote from Geno's:
"Be prepared and know how to order, because the service is fast and the line keeps moving. For example, on a cheese steak with onions specify which kind of cheese you'd like (Provolone, American or Cheese Whiz). By the time you have given your order, your money will be taken and your sandwich will be out the window nice and hot! At the next window you can pick up your soda, fries and coffee. Geno's is open 24 Hours a Day, 7 Days a week."